I realize this topic could spark a debate but I feel it’s a parenting issue worth talking about – your child’s right to privacy. I suppose the question that must first be answered is does anyone under 18 living at home have an expectation of privacy? and how much?
For our kids this is a tough one. On one hand, I know how it feels to have my personal feelings that were only meant for me, to be seen by my parents, unleashing a web of secrets that devastated them to know the truth. On the other hand, it’s my house and my responsibility to make sure my children aren’t making unsafe choices that I have the ability to circumvent. Isn’t that exactly what my parents did?
I ask because I realized I stumbled right into this issue last night. Innocently, my husband grabbed a notebook from our 8 year old son’s bedroom so that he could practice on his writing skills. You’ll see from the note below why. While flipping through pages to find a blank one he found this…
(translation: He’s asking God to make a girl in his class love him and pretending that God answered his prayer)
We were shocked to see that! From all previous discussions and outward appearances our son is still in the phase that “girls have cooties.” Well, evidently not Kim. So here we are faced with a situation that could either 1) open up the door of communcation about girls and pre-talk about sexual feelings (kissing, hugging, etc) or 2) break our son’s trust which oddly, may not be there in the first place because he has yet to open up to us about his feelings for Kim.
Since this issue didn’t really have the ability to harm him, we decided to close the book and pretend like we never saw it. But we did sit back and secretly talk about it and giggle over how cute the note was.
Now I know you’re thinking “well, didn’t you just embarrass him and shatter his right to privacy by publishing his personal note for the world to see?” And I would say, you’re right, I did. But the fact is, he’s 8, has no access to a computer and will likely never see this article. I do have boundaries when it comes to sharing sensitive information about my kids but poop stories and childish love notes aren’t outside of those.
So let’s talk. How do you feel about children and privacy regarding journals and computers?
About Cat Davis
Interesting post. I have been working on a series of articles to help educate parents on technology and online safety and this is one of the issues. As far as computers, I think we monitor very closely what our kids are doing while we talk to them and teach them about online safety and how we present ourselves and share information. As they get older, learn & understand how to navigate the computer we allow them more freedom. They need to have privacy but safety should always outweigh this.
As far as journal writing, while my kids are young, if it is a school journal, I look through that. If it is their own personal journal, I ask them. These can be great teaching moments and it gives them a chance for them to test you. To see if you will keep their shared information private. If so, it gives them confidence to open up to you.
I am looking forward to reading others opinions with an open mind and learning more. Thanks!
Cammie
Because I knew myself when I was younger, I have adopted the following philosophy: if they write it down and I find it, tough. Can I say I will never go snooping? Nope. All’s fair in love and war… and I love my kids more than ANYTHING. Kids don’t routinely find themselves comfortable talking to their parents about certain things no matter how much we stress to them that they can. If I have to find things out by prying so that I can help my kids not make mistakes that they don’t know are mistakes yet, I’m not above that.
They may not like it … but they’ll thank me later. Had my mom done more prying and more restricting, I wouldn’t have made half of the mistakes I made. Just sayin… So, to answer your question, as long as my kids live in my house, there is no such thing as a child’s right to privacy until they’ve proven their capability to be responsible with the freedoms they’re provided. Period.
I very much agree with you. I can list a lot of mistakes I wish I had not made but could have been avoided had my parents snooped and read my diaries sooner.
EXACTLY, Cat. LOL I would have been majorly pissed about it, don’t get me wrong. But it would have saved me a TON of headache. I think we get so wrapped up in trying NOT to piss off our kids that we forget the fact that we are their PARENTS. We’re suppose to protect them, not befriend them. They have enough friends (and they are usually the ones we need to protect them from!) LOL
Kids should have no expectation of privacy, but they should be treated with respect and discretion. I monitor my kids’ texts, email, and the websites they visit. If I suspected that something was going on that was negatively impacting them, I would discuss my concerns with them in conjunction with snooping.
With my own kids, I’ve come across some very inappropriate communications by monitoring, and was able to provide guidance before anything got out of hand. Through the non-profit that I run, I’ve come across some amazing stories of parents who have monitored and discovered that their child was being severely bullied, solicited, and – in one case, when the child was the bully.
The more the child proves their maturity and ability to behave appropriately, and the older they get, the less oversight they should have. But they have to earn that, and they have to know that we care enough to deal with the drama, fights over “invasions of privacy”, etc., to keep them safe and get them ready for life as a contributing, constructive member of society.
I think privacy has to been earned with developmental maturity. If a child simply doesn’t have the life experience to protect himself from a potentially harmful situation, it’s our job as parents to step in. If you’re clear with your child as to why you’re monitoring, the trust will be there (i.e. Mom & Dad are trying to protect me). I think lack of trust stems more from bad reactions: “omg you’re too young to like a girl!!!” as opposed to: “So tell me more about Kim – she sounds nice. Why do you like her?”.
May I respectfully suggest something? I think this is a great post, and a wonderful topic, but I would remove the image of your son’s note. Sure, he’s only 8 and not on the internet now, but won’t he be one day? His note will still be there, waiting to be discovered…
Cat,
As a parent, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever really be prepared for the experiences ahead. I do agree w/Bethan that kids should have no expectation of privacy especially while they’re living in our home. Currently, my children (7, 5, and 2) don’t have access to cell phones or E-mail, and their computer usage is very limited. I don’t expect their status to change anytime soon.
I will say that if I’d found the note, I would have been a bit concerned whether it is warranted or not and probably wouldn’t be able to push it aside. I would prefer for my children, at that age, to be less preoccupied w/the opposite sex and more concerned about school work, but then again, they’re children. This discovery would cause me to initiate conversation w/my child about the person of whom they wrote about as well as discuss God’s involvement in this process.
This is a great teaching opportunity for not only your son, but for you and your husband because you’ve got two more children to go through w/this possible situation.
Yes, to protect the innocent, you may want to blur/remove some words. I wonder if Kim’s mommy reads your blog.
We did try to touch on the subject last night just generally asking about friends in his class, who he plays with at recess, etc and oddly, Kim’s name never came up. In fact, the only girl he talked about is one that he says “shooshes me all the time” LOL
I doubt her mom reads the blog though. There’s a lot of Kim’s out there.
I believe that you did the right thing here. No parent has the right answers but putting it out there to ask for suggestions is good parenting.
It is also my belief that everything happens for a reason. You and your husband were meant to find it and read it. It could give you all the opportunity to talk about privacy, girls, and feelings without still mentioning the note that you saw. The more you talk to your kids about touchy topics the more they will feel confortable talking to you to get the answers instead of writing them privately.
As the mother of a preteen this is an issue that I have already faced. I have found many notes like the one you found and I did the same thing you did, closed the notebook and never mentioned it. Thankfully my girls tell me almost everything and I usually know when they have a crush or someone at school is being mean to them.
I do think that children should have a certain amount of privacy, but when the time comes that I have to choose between their privacy and their safety I would invade that privacy in a second to try and save them from some of the bad situations I’ve found myself in.
Privacy is something that must be earned. Our kids are explained the rules. They know we will at any time look at what they are doing on the computer or pick up their cell phone and view any and all calls, text, and pics. We only do it because we care and want to keep them safe. Everything we do, we do because we care. That’s the bottom line.
OUr son is also 8 and he does not get to use the computer either. We would have done the same as you. The note was harmless and he is just trying to explore his feelings.
I think almost all children write down things they don’t want their parents to see…. but parents find/know everything! I don’t think it is as much of a problem now that he is 8, but I think as he gets into his teenage years it will be especially important to keep your eyes and ears open without snooping too much!
I dont think you should remove the note from your posts. When he is older if he happens to come across this post, he will either giggle or not even remember writing it.
As for Kim’s mom, who cares if she is reading.
I agree. It’s a harmless note. While it might hurt his feelings reading it NOW, in the future I doubt he’ll even remember writing. He probably doesn’t even remember writing it now. LOL
I think I would have done the same thing, giggled and kept it to myself. And then blogged it. Ha. I don’t think at this age there can be any kind of expectation of privacy, except maybe in the bathroom.
Yeah well in my house, there are 7 of us sharing ONE bathroom (yes, ONE!) so we don’t even have privacy in THERE lol Whew…
My girls (10 & 13) both have private journals, and have since they learned to write. They trust me enough that they asked me where they should hide them from each other and I respect them enough not to read them, though Shelby has asked me more than once if I want to. I always tell her no, those are her private thoughts, but if there is something she wants to talk about I’m all ears. Sometimes there is, but sometimes I think she’s just testing me lol.
And about the note, I agree with Hyla! It’s cute and innocent and when he’s old enough to come across it on the internet he’ll probably laugh and not give it a second thought.
I’m not really sure how I feel about privacy issues. I know I wanted/needed it growing up, but I had a completely different situation and horrible parents. I actually care about my kids and what they’re doing, so I don’t think I’d snoop, but I think I’m a good enough parent to notice if something major was wrong, kwim.
I think you made the right choice with the note you found. My son had a crush on a girl and it really embarrassed him and hurt his self esteem when someone would mention anything. So you really do have to be careful what you bring up, even boys can be very sensitive.
I agree with you on boys being sensitive. My son is EXTREMELY sensitive which is why I let him lead the discussion. Bringing up the note would have probably embarrassed him.
Everything is open here. No one gets to hid things. If your hiding it there must be a reason. SHame, or doing something dishonest. If you can talk openly about topics especially feelings or thoughts of others it can only make for a stronger relationship between you and your child.
My daughter wrote a love note last yr to her childhood friend that we have play dates with. I think its harmless but they are never left alone any way. (kids need you to be in their business) doesn’t matter what others think to me this is the way I do things with my children. I still snoop in my 20 yr olds room. Never found anything and I hope I don’t either. (I look good too!)
Oh this one is like holding a hot burning coal! No rights and wrongs, but yes I agree with the others here that my kid’s safety is of paramount concern to me and the no1 priority in my life. So if I come across as an interfering, uncool parent, its fine by me. Afterall, parenting isn’t a popularity contest! Kids are naturally hesitant to talk about their feelings to their parents, but it’s important to talk to them about it from the beginning – 8 is the new pre-teen! (a note of thanks to the Media exposure!). You can show the child that you respect their feelings and decisions, but they need to prove themselves worthy of the trust. Discuss with them the things that will be under their control, those under yours and how the day to day active checks will phase into guidance, as and when their action reflect their maturity and sensibility. There’ll be disagreements, rebellions and demands to re-draw the power lines, but giving them to understand that the ball actually lies in their court (if you want to be treated like a grown up, please behave like one) should help tide things over. What do you think?
This subject has so many different ways to answer. I believe in proactive parenting but there are some things that you need to bring to your child’s attention that you know and then there are some things that you should not bring to their attention. You don’t want them to know that you “snoop” but you want them to be able to come to you when you have a problem. We used the scanner for a situation where we had found out via reading our daughters IM’s that she had been driving at about 90+mph. We lied to her and told her that we heard my name on the scanner for a car that they clocked for speeding but lost before they could stop it. She admitted to speeding but never knew how we found out. If they know you are snooping they will definitely hide things for sure just to make sure you won’t find it, then you will never know anything. Be very careful while “snooping” and choose your battles wisely.
That’s a tough one. When they’re that little I don’t think that privacy is much of an issue because at that age they don’t have much to hide. It’s when they become tweens and teens that it becomes a sensitive subject. I’ve found little notes that my daughter has written that were completely innocent and didn’t warrant any discussions but when she is a teenager I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle it. It’s a parents job to make sure our kids are making the best choices for themselves but most importantly the entire family. Things like drugs, drinking, sex, lies, etc are things that warrant major discussions but I don’t know if I’ll be the mom that goes through their belongings looking for them either.
I think Matt’s note was cute. Yes, it probably would have embarrassed him so I think you handled the situation nicely. If you find another one in a year or two then I might be having a small discussion to find out if he has any questions. But personally, I’d have my hubby do it since he might be more comfortable.
Oh man, this may be tough for me. See I was one of those children who loved to have a journal and diary and wrote in it everything, mostly my thoughts, wishes, dreams…I never wrote about kissing and dates well the reason for it was I KNEW my parents were reading it every time I was out…they wanted to know what I was up to and I was giving them something to read but without too much info LOL
When it comes to my child now, I’m in a weird position. I feel she one day (LOL not yet she’s 4) deserves to have that piece of privacy, but again if we don’t establish on time that open relationship, how on earth will I know, how will I be able to protect her, give her the right advice???
I’m still not sure, I know from my experience how much I hated my parents going trough my stuff, but again I understand more now than back than that they in most ways were right.
I wouldn’t tell your son about the note you found. I would take an approach of talking with him about school, friends, girls…see if he tells you about Kim…
Make him feel like he can trust you and tell you anything, without you trying to find it before asking him…
Hope i make any sense LOL
BTW that note is way too cute!
I’m having to deal with a similar situation here. At our recent parent/teacher conference, my daughter’s teacher informed me that her boyfriend had broken up with her and she had a meltdown in class. I didn’t even know that Taylor liked boys let alone had a boyfriend. When I asked her about it, she froze up and wouldn’t talk about it at all. She is only 6! I’ve been trying to talk to her about it but not be straight-forward if that makes any sense at all.
As far as journals, if you write it down and I find it, its open for discussion. While I won’t go snooping, if its out in plain sight I’ll read it.